out of this web we cannot fall

hello reflection

Drawings by ManWoman

My first ever roommate showed me the brené brown ted talk on vulnerability on the kitchen floor in our first apartment. We watched it on a new iphone 3, our grey matter taking the shape of a butterfly. I learned recently that we’re probably all developing myopia from looking at things in our hands all day, and that our eyes are actually getting longer. The landlord of the building once sent me a message that said he wasn’t my father and that i have to make sure my post dated cheque doesn’t bounce ever again. I kept myself a child even though all i wanted was to grow. I smoked 20 cigarettes every day but “couldn’t afford” vitamin D. Mid haul someone once warned me that i was just doing lazy meditation. And honestly, consider me a breath work expert.

Brené, i’ve been investigating vulnerability and transformation. This shit is actually paradigm shifting and outrageous. I feel vibratory and seeing, aware and open, held by my guides even when i neglect to ask them what’s up. As if it’s not already enough to be mercurial, often at the expense of detaching from earth and body a little too far.
i feel a deep thawing. From corpse to body. i feel sensations i haven’t felt before and a connection to source that has been obfuscated on purpose.
i am luxuriating and moulting.
Sometimes it feels preachy but i always locate the sincerity in my gut.
Why does the first sensation of power have to come with collapse?
Sometimes they’re not your partner, they’re a teacher.
I am not the love of your life, i am your mother archetype.
if the words don’t strictly match the actions, run for your life.

we need to get our knees met-
to fall down and listen, to feel the impact of ground in order to rebound.

From Romany’s bookshelf

To experience woundedness at the crest of stepping into one self is almost hilarious.
It's right on time the same way it’s a blow to the chest. I am winded and dysregulated and trying my best to not intellectualize every moment and instead, just feel the ebb of disgust and the flow of pleasure without vying to understand.

My therapist says: understanding is the seed of colonial thought. If we love someone we don’t have to try and understand them, it is enough to be curious.

Drawings by ManWoman

I am so much more carefree, aware of opportunities for expansion and true love.
it’s the difference between theorizing about authenticity and saturating in it. Sometimes it’s sticky but it’s always the way.
I am embarrassing, clumsily falling in and out of myself.
I am exactly where i need to be.
I am a reflection of you.

Joanna Macy. Excerpt from an interview in New Age Magazine, Vol 8, 1991.